Self-Talk — the Voice You Hear the Most
“Oh, I’m such an idiot.”
“I forgot? How dumb of me!”
“Yeah, I’m so bad at that, it’s no wonder they got someone else to do it.”
“I look so fat in this dress now!”
“Oh, I’d love to try that, but I suck at it.”
Sounds pretty pessimistic, right? If we stopped and noted down everything we say, it is amazing how many negative things we tend to say about ourselves. While clearly this has a downcast effect overall on us as individual adults, the bigger issue is when we say these things out loud and they become ingrained as normal comments for children to say about themselves.
Children begin their lives being very confident in themselves. Just look at any toddler who has marched out of the house in their polka dot pants, striped dinosaur shirt, monster socks, two different shoes, and superhero cape. They like each item they are wearing, and they know they look
good. They do not have this idea of thinking badly of themselves — until their brains and personalities continue to develop it is introduced to them from the world around them. Add in several years of peer pressure, growing up, hormones, social norms and mores, and you have teenagers who slump into a room saying things like “I can’t believe I did that, I’m so
stupid, I
never get this stuff right.”
So what can we do? A few things, actually:
Model the change yourself. Yes, adults are pretty harsh on themselves as well — how many of us are trying to continuously live up to perfection in multiple spheres and roles in life? Cut yourself some slack, and then cut the negative words from coming up often. Try not to put yourself down, especially when your children are around.
Find and share the explanation. There are many articles out there about what happens to our thoughts and minds when we spend time on negativity vs. positivity. Depending on your children’s ages, they could read the articles or you could explain them in an age appropriate way.
Flip the script. A life coach once explained this as “change your story.” So when your child expresses the downside of a situation, listen, empathize, but don’t stop there! Guide them to see what the upside could be. Ask questions, help them talk it out — that’s where the parent’s life experience and insight comes in extra handy.
Affirmations. Affirmations are everywhere these days — calendars, self-help books, etc — and with good reason. The energy it takes to focus your mind, thoughts, and action of speaking something out loud helps the person to focus on that positive thought instead of the negative. Even if they may sound silly at first, no one’s watching! Just saying some kind words to yourself in front of the mirror can be a great exercise for your child first thing in the morning.
Self-talk is going to be a constant in your child’s life, even as they grow through the phases and seasons of life. With your interest and guidance, your child can begin to use that inner voice as a tool for self-growth instead of hearing it as a voice of doubt, and add to the successes in their lives.
