Children and Resiliency: How Failure can Lead to Success

     There is a popular show on TV where one of the main characters says, “Failure is not the opposite of success. It is a part of success.” As we raise our children to be strong problem-solvers, there is a growing realm of research that indicates that it is good for children to learn how to struggle and yes, fail at something.

     Failure and how to handle it are tied to something called resiliency. What exactly does that mean? Resiliency is the ability to bounce back from adversity or stress. Children who are resilient, are more adaptable, brave, and understanding. And the best part -- research indicates that resiliency can be nurtured in mostly all children. Obviously this is a process that happens through many different situations, but a major part is being able to accept, work through and rebound from experiences in which you fail. The process of learning, getting back up, dusting yourself off, and moving forward is very important in achieving success.

     For kids, this is still a time when their habits and self-awareness is being created and molded. They are flexible enough to learn that a bump in the road is just that — a bump, and not cause for them to throw a tantrum, quit, or be negative towards themselves and others. There may be disappointment, but mostly failure is a learning experience and a chance to celebrate your mistakes — to find a mindset that tells you that by failing you are just one step closer to finding the way to success. 

     What can parents do to build resilience? Let’s look at three practices that may help both parents and children:

1. Focus your praise on the effort, not the outcome. When you compliment your child on the final grade or percentage they get on a project or test, they learn to strive for that number — that is the only way to find validation. When you praise their hard work, determination, and persistence, they value the process and find validation in doing their best, regardless of what number they score. Plus, a child can control how hard they are working, but maybe not how much they grasp or how “smart” they are in a subject. Their worth is not tied to a grade.
2.   Be aware that you are always an example. Your children watch you to see how you react to disappointment, setbacks, and hurdles. Talk about these things with your children. How did you feel? What did you do to move forward? What did you learn? How did you apply it?
3.   Be unconditional with your love for your child. Your child needs to know that you will love and value them no matter what. If they are secure in your love and support for them, they are more likely to feel safe enough to mess up and try again, instead of being scared to make a mistake.  

     I heard a story of a family where the parents, at dinnertime, would ask each child what failure or mistake they had made that day — and then high-five as a way of celebrating a new chance to learn more and find a new solution! Your kids need to know that it is okay to fail, be real about it with them.

     The more your child makes mistakes and learns to try again, the more they learn to find creative solutions to their problems, the more resilient and confident they will become. And those kids will grow into secure adults making their way in the world with a little more self-awareness and strength, which would make any parent proud.

AGT Family GAME NIGHT

Friday, December. 7, 2018